Ah Want To Beat Ah Pan  

This old doctor ask his little son, what will you be when you grow up boy?
This little boy, who was ah brilliant thinker, studied for one moment.
He scratched his head and then he said:
 

Daddy, ah want to beat ah pan, when ah come ah man.
Ah want to beat ah pan, that's my ambition.
Dem panmen yuh see down dey, dey gettin pretty women.
So ah goin to be ah panman.  

- Recorded calypso, name unknown

Well dat was me. Yes. From since I was small, bout six or seven, I knew dat I wanted to beat pan. I knew dat I was goin to be ah panman.

Hear nah, back in de day, I talkin bout back, back in de day eh, yuh see if yuh was mixed up in pan in any way, yuh was automatically ah vagabond, ah rift-raft, ah good-for-nutten. Back in de days of Invaders, Despers, Carib Tokyo, Solo Harmonites, Trinidad Catelli All Stars, Renegades, then they had ah band from down Pt. Cumana called Alcoa Boys Town, and many, many more, when yuh hear two ah dem bands bounce up in Port-of- Spain, was bacchanal yuh know. Big fight and thing, bottle, big stone, cutlass, man with piece ah iron, two-by-four and thing, is big fight and brawl yuh know. So is dem things dey dat gave pan ah real bad reputation, to de point dat as soon as you say you is ah panman, yuh automatically put in dat category.

Now, these days, when yuh hear Carnival round de corner and you go by Phase II panyard, is only white people, high society people, people of so-called good reputation etc. in dem panyards. Now dey mightn be playin pan, but is there dey limin. Nowadays, you could see so-called good, decent girls and women in panyard. Not so back in de day yuh know. Soon as ah woman limin in ah panyard, she is ah ole-ting, ah rat, ah gat-e-waash.

I remember de first time I tell my mother dat I want to play pan, well boy, hmm, you woulda swear I tell she dat I want to be ah pimp, ah pusher and ah bandit all in one oui. Hear nah, is in church I end up yuh know. Yuh talk bout prayers. Boy she had all de elders in de church laying dey hands on me. Was praying, moaning, fasting, anointing and every act of holiness imaginable them people start to engage in to reclaim my soul that was lost and banished only because I mentioned wanting to play pan, the only indigenous instrument to my sweet Trinidad & Tobago. One ah de brothers, Brother Russell, even went as far as to suggest dat she buy me ah guitar and he offer to give me lessons for free.

So de very next day, is out my mother run and buy me ah guitar. From dat day, is everyday Brother Russell coming home to teach me to play de guitar. Hear nah man, my mother and Brother Russell done have my spot picked out on de podium in church yuh know. My spot in de band done dey already, soon as I ketch de first tune.

Now, I eh go lie eh, I used to try to be ah deviant lil fella, and ah guess my mother did see dat early. So perhaps when yuh really think about it, she nervous reaction to my panman claim was warranted eh. But oh gosh man... Brother Russell? Yuh mean I had to spend all my evenings with Brother Russell? Even on ah Saturday and Sunday afternoon, when all de other lil boys dem going by de sea or playin football, I dey in de gallery, plew-plow-plaw, plucking guitar strings, trying to get in tune with Brother Russell.

Steups!!! Dat guitar? I end up sellin dat to my neighbor Keith for about $50 years later when I was bout fourteen or fifteen. Dat spot on de podium in church? Dat still dey waiting for me to occupy it. Dem hymn and dem dat Brother Russell was tryin to get me to play, dem still on Pat Boone LP record. Dat never come out ah my guitar. For one thing, since I was small, I did like to grow my nails. And with long finger nails, yuh couldn press down de strings dem to get de notes just right. So now when faced with the ordeal of having to cut my finger nails... oh hell no!

But yuh know, I couldn tell my mother dat I eh cuttin my nails. Yuh mad? Because to try dat lame excuse, dat guava whip she used to keep in she room, de one dat I was intimately bonded to, yuh woulda see how fast she woulda pull it out. Yuh woulda see how it used to launch from dat position high above she head, and whistle through de air at lightening speed toward its favorite position anyway across my back. Yuh woulda see how I used to skip, dance and ding-go-lay all up on my toes, break dancing and doing de crab and de snake trying to evade dat guava whip. Yuh think is joke?

Nah, I had to employ a more subtle tactic, one dat just said dat although I was a fast learner in school, always first in test and thing, I just couldn't grasp music. I had to frustrate Brother Russell, but do it politely. So when yuh hear Brother Russell play "twang" on he guitar, I used to play "twong", and when he play "twing" on he own, I used to play "tweng". When yuh hear he start to put de harmony together and play "twing-twang-twong", I used to be stuck on, "twong-twong-twong", pretending to not even recognize the change of chord. HAHAHAHAH. It making me laugh even now to think about de frustration I used to cause dat well-intended man, to see de wrinkles I used to cause to form on his forehead, and de wince dat used to overcome his face as my out-of-tone guitar notes just used to drown out his. Hear nah man, you just don't know how relieved I was on that gracious day when Brother Russell finally summoned my mother and said to her, "some people just don't have the musical ear. I think you might just want to get him ah tambourine or something like that." HAHAHAHAHAHAH. That was a gracious day.

Now, my mother had me in every activity that ah church could possibly have eh, from small yuh know. So when yuh hear carnival time come around, yuh know I goin to church camp. Well one year, I was nine, dey had de camp down Templadora, by Williams Bay down Chaguaramas. Now I used to live in Carenage eh, so I used dat excuse to persuade my mother dat instead of paying de whole fee and have me do de live-in camp, dat she should just pay half and have me catch de PTSC bus back and forth everyday, from L'Anse Mitan to Templadora. As faith would have it, my mother agreed.

Carnival Saturday, I ride de bus and gone to Camp. Carnival Sunday, dey had Church down by Williams Bay, and after dat, I stay for camp de remainder of de day. Come Carnival Monday now, as I walkin out de house, I ketch ah glimpse of ah steelband on de TV as my father was watchin. Jourvert was now wrapping up I guess and I stand up dey in de living room watchin dem bassman and dem making dey runs. Hear nah man, when yuh hear I see ah bassman make ah run, even from ah lil boy, dat used to raise my pores yuh know. So my mother come out and see me watchin de mas on TV and she say, "boy, what yuh doin here still. You shoulda done be in camp already." I say, "mammy, I waitin for Tenna. He eh come yet." Tenna was my younger cousin who lived just over the hill. He and I went to camp together. Well dat excuse bought me a few more minutes before Tenna showed up.

So me and Tenna gone down de road to ketch de bus now. We cross de road to ketch de bus going down Chaguaramas. Bus come. We jump on. All de while on de bus now, my mind steady on de bassman eh. So when yuh hear de bus pulling up by Williams Bay, I watchin dem people in de camp doing dey activities. Dey lookin so boring, compared to all de bacchanal I see on de TV. Yuh see as Tenna get up to make he way to de door, I grab him by he collar and pull he back in he seat. He watch me all confused, but me eh even talk. Bus driver close de door. Bus take off. Dem days dey, de bus used to turn round by de hanger just past de Convention Center.

Boy, mi head spinning eh. Yuh know like how yuh does hear de noise when dem computers booting up? Is something like so I hearin, and mi mind racin. Because in mi head, ah know what ah contemplating eh, and ah know dat if mi mother ever find out, ah dead eh. Because for a major coup like dat, my mother eh even considering de guava whip yuh know. Is de tamarind branch she pulling out one time. Yuh see, whenever I commit ah lil misdemeanor, she used to buss some tap and some calpet on me, maybe ah cuff or two, perhaps even ah knee if ah find myself in dat location. When yuh hear is something like ah minor felony, she used to pull out de guava whip. When yuh hear is a major coup, well lord have mercy yuh know, because dat is ah death sentence, and ah mean dat literally. Serious, I coulda dead. She woulda start by pulling out de tamarind branch, and depending on she energy level, she could progress to anything. All ah could say is, de real reason why I still here today, to even write this, is because for every major coup, and there were many, I eh go home till I know for sure my father was dey. Now, daddy go let me get my licks, but he eh go let she kill he only son. If not for Daddy, my mother woulda be in jail for sure, for sure, over killing me. I eh lyin. And I eh mean nutten bad bout my mother because I love dat woman to death. But she woulda kill me for real boy, if wasn for Daddy. Yuh see, from she perspective, my mother probably felt dat it woulda be better for all concerned, for she to be in jail, and for me to be dead, than for me to be one ah dem good-for-nutten men out dey. Me eh know, she never tell me dat, but dat is just my reasoning.

Despite all dat, yuh see when dat bus past Williams Bay on de way back up to town, me and Tenna was still on it. Now poor Tenna, he was ah couple years younger than me, so he just lookin out de bus window and enjoyin de ride like most lil fellas used to do. But me now, I more comprehending that this is not ah joy ride on ah bus, but rather ah major coup, punishable by death-by-tamarind-branch.

Well lo and behold, de bus reach up town. Me and Tenna get off round dey by Sacred Hearts School and we start to walk across Park St. Now, I used to go to Eastern Boys School on George St., so I know my way around town. When we hit St. Vincent St, by Green Corner, right dey in front ah Globe Theatre, hi-yi-yi, I start to hear ah steelband not too far away, coming down Tragarete Rd. So I stand up right dey in front ah Globe. Next thing, ah see de band come round de corner by way de Batoo place used to be, and dey jammin one sweet Sparrow song. I cyah even remember de song now, but ah know it was Sparrow. When yuh hear de riddim section reach right in front ah mi, and dat iron get to me, lord, is like ah start to lose mi mind. But let me tell yuh, yuh see when ah see de first six-bass rack, boy, ah forget Tenna, and ah run in de middle ah dat band. It was Huggins Pandemonium, and de pan racks was painted orange. Ah could never forget dat. Ah grab onto dat bass rack and ah start to push pan for de first time, heading down St. Vincent St. Next thing, ah feel somebody holdin onto my shirt and when ah look round, it was Tenna.

Well boy, me and Tenna stay wit dat band whole day. Is down St. Vincent St., across Independence Square, up Charlotte St. When we comin up Charlotte St. so, we bounce up Y. De Lima Blue Diamonds so we cut across one ah dem cross streets, either Queen St. or Duke St. and we gone around dem. Is mas in de band. When ah tell yuh bout jammin. I only makin my way between de bassmen dem and de riddim section because hear nah, dat iron boy, "likeeng-teeng-ki-ling-likeeng-teeng-ki-ling", and de cow bell, "tock-tock-tock-tock", and de scratcher, "shekke-shekke-shekke-shekke", oh God boy, and if yuh hear de bass dem, "poom-pi-loom-poom-poom-poom-poom, poom-poom-pooloo-poom-poom." And lord, dem tenna dem rammaje, dey rammaje, dey rammaje. And is mas in de band.

When ah tell yuh, for ah lil fella, and he fuss time to boot, is like if ah was in heaven. If yuh see me, ah jumpin, ah wavin, ah winin, and ah pushin pan like ah big man. All dem big men dem in de band wonderin way these two lil fellas come from, but is like dey adopt we. Food. Sweet-drink. All kinda thing to eat and drink. Ah even get ah lil end ah babash. When ah look so, is Ms. Padmore, my third standard teacher ah see holdin onto de bass rack right next to me and she chippin cool, cool, cool. She watch me so and she put she hand over my shoulder.

Well, kiss-mi-granny, my sweet heaven... because let me tell yuh, ah never had another teacher, never, nicer than Ms. Padmore. And any man who went Eastern Boys School during dat same time, when Mr. James was de principal, when Mr. Aleong was de bad, bad fifth standard teacher, and when Mr. Perriman class was right next to Aleong own, when Eastern used to lick-up everybody in football up in de Savannah, yuh go remember Ms. Padmore, and yuh go agree with me dat she was de baadest teacher ever in Trinidad & Tobago. Boy, when Ms. Padmore, in she tight, tight jeans, and she Pandemonium jersey tied in ah knot round she waist, put she hand over my shoulder, well dat was one ah mi proudest moment, prouder even dan when ah used to buss up dem other boys in test and Ms. Padmore would place ah lil kiss on de cheek ah de first, second and third place student.

Hear nah man, no body cyah tell me I didn have ah sweet childhood growin up in Trinidad nah Overall, it probably was de sweetest. But just as it was sweet, it had some sour spots. When yuh hear Pandemonium make it up to de Savannah, and start to cross dat stage, well I gone wild on de people stage, jumpin, wavin, winin, and pushin pan like ah big man, chippin with Ms. Padmore and even gettin ah lil wine from de flag woman. And while I dey in my glee, enjoying all this bacchanal on de stage of de Queens Park Savannah, in Port of Spain, when I was supposed to be at church camp down Templadora, my mother in horror, up in she living room in L'Anse Mitan Rd. Carenage... in front she TV. Because who she see? None other than she lil, son. Me. On de TV. Gettin on bad.

Steups!

Dat bus, comin from town, not de one comin from Chaguaramas eh, de one comin from town, pull up by L'Anse Mitan Rd. Me and Tenna jump off, and yuh see as soon as my foot hit de dirt right dey so, ah force, from outta nowhere, grab mi by mi neck, and start to choke de livin daylight outta me. Now, you mighta be shocked outta tryin to figure what was goin on eh. But not me. Yuh see, I knew dat choke all too well. Is ah damn shame when yuh could recognize something like ah choke. But I could recognize ah choke. I was real good. I coulda recognize ah cuff, ah slap, ah tump, ah calpet, ah grabbed ear, and any other thing what ah woman woulda do to discipline she son, because nobody coulda do dem things as expertly as my mother. So I knew, without a doubt, dat my neck was in de vice-grip my mother had instead of hands on her extremity.

My Coup-de-tat was at its end, and my one accomplice, Tenna, took off running before my mother could grab him too. Now I knew that what I had just committed, was an act akin to treason against my mother's high council. I, right there and then, was ah child carrying ah death sentence because treason is punishable by, up to and including death. Now I coulda comply, i.e., remain in de vice-grip, get beat from de main road, all de way up L'Anse Mitan Rd., all de way home or until she kill me, whichever happen first. Or I could try to break free ah de vice grip, and do like Tenna, run home and take my licks dey.

Now yuh see, de thing about getting beat in de road is, yuh have to deal with de humiliation boy. Ah mean, de next day, yuh have to face all yuh friends, and dem fellas could be real mean eh. To me, de licks was nutten, because any how yuh take it, ah was going to dead. But de humiliation, ah couldn deal wit dat. Plus, reachin home had ah bonus, if yuh could call it dat. Ah go still get licks, but ah eh go dead, because Daddy eh go let she kill he only son.

I grab de bus for leverage, and it so happen dat at dat precise time, de bus start to move off. So with my pull, and de bus movement, for de first time in my short life, I was able to break free ah de vice-grip, and with dat, I bolt off with a frickin speed. I run along de bus till it pull away from mi, then ah check to make sure de road was clear, then I speed across de road and hit Sea View Gardens, and if yuh see frickin speed, up Sea View Gardens, across de football field and up L'Anse Mitan Rd., all de way home. When ah reach home now, ah outta breath. Ah thought about finding someway to hide, but dat wouldna do me no good. No way, was I avoiding dat beating of beatings dat I had coming.

I eh even go inside nah. Ah mean, although my father had never hit me before, I wasn't going inside and have to face him. Who knows? Something of this magnitude might could bring on my inaugural cat-arse from Daddy. Eh-eh, I wait till I see my mother reach up. Boy, and when she see me, is like she start to snort as anger and madness full up she face. I start to bawl, "mammy I sorry! Oh God I sorry! I eh go do it again! Oh God Mammy doh beat mi nah?" If yuh hear noise. Loud!

Mi father poke out he head to see what goin on. Mi mother, who did only now reach way I drop down on mi knees in de yard bawling and beggin, grab mi by mi collar and drag mi like ah little rag doll behind she, into de house. She slam mi down in ah corner and gone in she bedroom. Ah start to bawl even louder, "oh God Daddy save mi nah? Mammy ah eh go do it again! Oh God... Daddy?" and ah lookin at mi father with ah little sad puppy face.

Mi mother come out with de tamarind branch. She say, "yuh little demon!" And boy, as she raise up dat hand with de tamarind branch to... hi-yi-yi, Daddy just reach out and grab she hand. Mi mother try to wrestle away de tamarind branch from him, but he wrap both he hands around she and start to hug she. I never see dat happen yet, not before.

My father knew for sure, that my mother was going to kill me dat day. So he intervene and save me. Dat is de only reason why I am alive today. Daddy hold on to Mammy and start to rock she from side to side. And all Mammy could do with all de anger she had pent up inside she, was cry. And me? Well I never see dat before. I was confused, perplexed, discombobulated, in awe, just straight up messed to hell up. If yuh see me in de corner way my mother did pitch me down, on my knees, eyes immediately dry and open big-big in shock, mouth open wide, staring at de both ah dem, trying desperately to figure out, what good deed had I done in a previous life to deserve this awesome piece of grace, this forgiveness.

Well that was how I lost my virginity to pan. But it was years, before I could go anyway near carnival, pan, a panyard, or anything like dat again. Because dat episode put a fear in my backside. I wasn goin to defy my mother to dat degree again, not for some time, not till I was big enough to grab and hold onto de tamarind branch.

And later, I got to where I wasn't missing ah Panorama ahtoll, or ah Pan Festival in de Jean Pierre Complex or Queen's Hall. Later, I start up Poly Pan Pipers, de Polytechnic panside dat used to use Starlift pans. Then I play for Starlift. And later, I moved to Fertrin Pandemonium when de MASTER, CLIVE BRADLEY, arrange for dem. I play ah six-bass. Sing In She Party was de song, by Scrunter. We win de North Zone dat year, and finish third ah think, in the National finals. By then though, pan, and panmen, reputation wise, had come a long way.

But for sure, back in de day, way, way back in de day, pan and panmen had de worse reputation imaginable. Not no more doh, not today.

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